Friday's Funnies

Ooooo...
The first time James met his wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at his health club and he was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, he gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked him up and down. Feeling self-conscious, he added, "Big men run in my family." She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."

The Wedding Dress
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son." "Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

Time For A Change
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first…"

That's It!
I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and it scared me. So I told myself, "That's it!" After today, no more reading.

Memories
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

A Real Person
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

Wake Up Call
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children. "How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan. "Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "But why does that wake him up?" "Because he sleeps with the dog!"

(Insert Groan At End)
A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Why? Well, the baby chick was a little cheeper!

Politically Correct Statements For The 21st Century
· Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
· Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
· You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
· You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
· No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
· You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
· You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
· It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

And For Students...
· The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
· No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
· You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
· These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
· Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
· Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
· You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
· You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
· You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
· You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

Philadelphia Speeders
An officer stopped Jon doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, Jon responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

The Call
A pastor had received a call from another church to become its minister. The pastor's twelve-year-old son was talking with a neighbor. "Dad's upstairs praying about it, but Mother's downstairs packing."