Friday's Funnies

Exercise Plan
A visiting speaker was impressed by the enthusiasm our Christian school students showed in their physical education class. "I exercise, too," he sighed, faintly smiling at our pastor. "Every morning I awaken to the alarm, jump from bed, and run around the block six times." As our pastor expressed surprise and offered hearty praise, the man continued, "Then I kick the block under the bed and go back to sleep."

The Collection
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. Offerings were down. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Medication
What's the difference between Bird 'Flu and Swine 'Flu? For one you need Tweetment and for the other Oinkment.

The Playpen
Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend Judy, "They're driving me nuts! They give me no rest! I'm half way to the funny farm!" "What you need," said Judy, "is a playpen." So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, Judy called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

Good Question
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher told the children if they had to go to the bathroom to hold up two fingers. A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

The Kitchen Mystery
One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

Do You Want To Box?
Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself, so we would spar around for a few minutes before supper.One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes." The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose.After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.

Flying Directions
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

“Excuse me!” he yells to the woman. “Where am I?” You're in a helicopter,” she replies.

The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

“That was amazing!” says a passenger. “How did you know from that woman's answer where you were?”

“Easy,” says the pilot. “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I immediately knew the building had to be Microsoft Tech Support.”

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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replased with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.