Friday's Funnies

Oh....
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Pupil: HIJKLMNO. Teacher: What are you talking about? Pupil: Yesterday, you said it was ‘H to O’…

Letter Home From College
A woman was bragging about her son, a college student: "He's so brilliant! Every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "You're lucky," her friend said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank."

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A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.
Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour who the people on the wall were.
“Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for,” answered the policeman. “We call those wanted posters.”
Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. “Well,” he wondered, “why didn't you just keep them when you took their pictures?”

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said... 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the awaiting the groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..' Jon said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.