Friday's Funnies

Two old friends, Sam and Bob, are baseball fanatics. They live and breathe baseball, they attend 60 games a year, the local bartender calls them to answer disputes regarding statistics, they have attended every World Series game since 1960. They are getting older and one day, Sam says to Bob. "If you die before I do, will you let me know, if they play baseball in Heaven. I'll do the same for you if I die before you do." Bob agrees.

Two days later Bob passes away in his sleep.

Sam comes home from the funeral and lays down for a nap, he's really tired. He drifts in and out of sleep. Suddenly, there's a heavenly voice saying "Sam! Sam!"

Sam is startled awake and asks, "Is that you, Bob?"

Bob answers, "Yes, Sam it's me."

Sam asks, "So, tell me Bob, do they play baseball in heaven?"

Bob replies "Sam, I've got good news and bad news, what do want to hear first."

"The good news first, Bob." Sam says.

Bob replies with "Okay, Sam, the good news is they play baseball in heaven, and the bad news is that you're starting the game tomorrow evening."

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At a theater, the usher approaches a man who has stretched out over three seats and asks him to sit up.

The man simply looks at him and says, "Uhhhh."

The usher asks again, and again the man says back to him, "Uhhhh."

The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and there would be a good chance he'd be asked to leave. The man doesn't seem to care and again replies, "Uhhh."

So, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to comply, the manager decides to call the police. A cop shows up and says to the guy, "Look, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people, why are you being so stubborn?"

The guy stares at the cop and says, "Uhhh." The cop says, "Okay, buddy that's it. I'm going to kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"

The guy replies, "The balcony… "

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ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals:

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The interns thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter!” The podiatrists thought it was a step forward. The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

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A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

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At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"