Friday's Funnies

CUSTOMER SERVICE
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me."

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AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." - Mark Twain

"I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." - Winston Churchill

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." - G Gordon Liddy

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else." - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan (1986)

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!" - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!" - Pericles (430 B.C.)

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." - Mark Twain

"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians." - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson

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MIDDLE AGES
The good news about middle age is that the glass is still half-full… of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Middle age is when you bounce, but you don't bounce back.
Middle age brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

THE REMOTE
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.
“Cash, check or charge?” She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” The cashier asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”

WHICH CLUB?
The golfer hit his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.
Finally, after banging away several more times, he hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the golf club instructor had been watching.
"What should I do now?" he asked the instructor.
"I don't know," the instructor replied. "What game are you playing?"

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A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."