Friday's Funnies

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."

She said, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "You did it last week!"

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A blond was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over To WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

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Dictionary for the Church

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1) Air conditioning. 2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL: The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since many of the people have already left.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
USHERS: The only people in the church who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.

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While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."

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A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor.

"I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good," replied the co-worker.

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, "Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit."

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During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?" The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?" The group said no. Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?" The response was again negative. Then the pastor displayed his lap top computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!" A little five-year-old perked up and enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"

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Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"