Friday's Funnies

 Languages

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

 

Moving

 

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

 

Why

 

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.  "Why?"  "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." "Oh. "We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

 

Reminisce on Romance

 

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch in their rocking chairs enjoying the cooling summer breeze. The wife was feeling a little romantic and started to reminisce. She said, "Remember on our first date when you held my hand?" The husband smiled to himself remembering and reached over and gently placed his hand on top of her hand. The wife, feeling very comfortable with this, continued. "Remember on our second date when you took me to the picture show and put your arm around me?" The old gentleman started to get a sparkle in his eye as he reached over and put his arm around her. Feeling a little more brazen, the wife continued. "Do you remember how you used to nibble on my ear?" Suddenly the old man jumped up and rushed into the house slamming the screen door as he went. Startled, the old woman thought perhaps she had pushed things to far. But a moment later, the old gent reappeared grinning. "Why did you run away?" she asked. "I wasn't running away," he replied. "I just went in to get my teeth!"

Wedding Vows

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."  He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."  The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."  The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

 

Forrest Gump Answers

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him and says that before he passes through the gates, he must first answer these three questions:
1. How many days in a week start with a "T"?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What was Jesus' first name?
Peter: "So what is the answer to the first question?"
Forrest: "Two. Today and Tomorrow."
Peter: "Okay, that's not exactly what I was looking for, but it's right. So what's the answer to the second question, Forrest?"
Forrest: "12."
Peter: "How do you figure that, Forrest?"
Forrest: "Ya know, January 2nd, February 2nd..."
Peter: "Well, that's not what I was really looking for, but it'll do. So what is Jesus' first name?"
Forrest: "Andy!"
Peter: "Where do you get Andy from, Forrest?"
Forrest: "In a song it said 'Andy walked with me, Andy talked with me...'"

Heaven

A husband and wife had both died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors. Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?" The wife said, "Yes." The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"

You Know You’re A Mom When

 

1. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

2. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. And your children are at school.

3. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

4. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

5. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

Friday's Funnies

 St. Patrick's Day Groaners

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Real rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter.

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Settling An Argument

Two friends were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally, they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the guys said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg."

 

Abstract Noun

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.  Can you give me an example of one?"  "Sure," a teenage boy replied.  "My father's new car."

 

New Words for Educators

Acadormant - Students who have stopped making any academic progress.

Bookstache - The facial hair added by students to every portrait in the American history textbook.

Colate - Two students who arrive tardy to class at the same time.

Corroborative learning - When all the students in a class agree to stick to the same excuse for why their work is not done.

Digital disorganizers - Fascinating electronic organizers that distract students from paying attention to assignments, instructions, and due dates.

E-fail - Electronically sent failure notices.

Erasivot - The divot that you get in your paper if you erase too hard.

Fontics - Literacy training through the use of wacky computer type fonts.

Handoubt - To wonder if the students even looked at the important papers you just passed them.

Hydropendant - Student who requests permission to get a drink of water every ten minutes.

McDone - Students unable to participate in the afternoon's learning activities because they consumed large amounts of fast food for lunch.

Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.

Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.

Repedementia - Repeatedly telling the same joke to the same class because you can't remember which of your classes you've told it to.

Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a mid term report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.

Strobed - Feeling you have after spending all day in a classroom with florescent lights that do that flicker thing.

Teacherscreen - The student who stands in front of you to purposefully block your view of the rest of the class as he asks you a question.

Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.

Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.

Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.

 

IKEA

Just saw where the CEO of IKEA was elected President of Sweden. It’s the first time a president ever needed an allen wrench to assemble his cabinet.

 

Dad Joke

Are you sweating while putting gas in your car and feeling sick when paying for it?  Then you have got the carownervirus!

 

Today’s Thought

I want time to sit and read, take a nap, and snack. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.

Friday's Funnies

 Increasing Gas Prices

 

"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." — Amy Poehler

 

"The President said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." — Jay Leno

 

"They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking." — Jay Leno

 

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." — Jay Leno

 

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, is taken by the gas stations." — Jay Leno

 

"The price of gas in California is going crazy. In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." — Jay Leno

 

Bees

 

When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.

 

College Plans

 

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.  Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.  After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

 

Drunk Driver

 

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

 

Lawyer's Son

 

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. "Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" he asked. "What's wrong with lawyers?" "Well, Dad," explained the boy, "I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

Name That Baby

 

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

 

Census

 

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"  "Sure! twenty-five hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

 

The Principle of Mine

 

If I like it, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a while ago, it's mine.
If I say it is mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you're having fun with it, it's definitely mine.
If you lay it down, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.

Summer Vacation

 

Two friends are talking over lunch in an outdoor patio. "So what are you doing for summer vacation?" one asks. The other one replies, "I want to go to Italy again, like last year." The first asks, "Wow! You went to Italy last year?" The other answers, "No, but I wanted to."

 

Stomachache

 

Little Susie came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomachache." "That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and, sure enough, Susie felt better right away. That evening when Daddy came home, he said he had a bad headache. Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

 

Dad Joke

 

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Elaborate Funeral

 

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand." "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."

 

Savings

 

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!"  "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.  "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

 

Murder Trial

 

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

 

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

 

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

 

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

 

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

 

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

 

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

 

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

 

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

 

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

 

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

 

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

 

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

 

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

Dad Joke

 

Nothing tops a plain pizza!

 

Today’s Thought

 

Hmmm ... I just found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

Friday's Funnies

 Names

 

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

Bumble bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy test = Maybe Baby

Fork= Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

 

Murphy's Technology Laws

 

·         Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

·         All's well that ends.

·         A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

·         New systems generate new problems.

·         The faster a computer is, the faster it will spew out garbage.

·         The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

·         To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

·         After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

·         Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

·         If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

·         Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

·         Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

 

Construction Site Wits

 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

Old Family Bible

 

A little boy found the old family Bible and started thumbing through the pages. As he was turning the yellowed pages, a pressed tree leaf fell out.  He exclaimed, "Hey, this must be where Adam and Eve left their clothes!"

Misinterpretations

 

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

 

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord's Prayer before going to bed.  As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

 

~ I remember thinking it said "Give us this day our jelly bread."

 

~ I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

 

~ When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag. And to the republic for Richard Stands."

 

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

 

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.  On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear.  Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

 

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

 

Oklahoma State Trooper

 

An Oklahoma State trooper pulled a car over on I-44 about 10 miles east of Oklahoma City. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Tulsa Oklahoma to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a pickup pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A good old farm boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the man what he thought he was doing. The man replied, “I ain’t been drinkin’, but you might as well take me to jail, ‘cause, even sober, there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

 

Dad Joke

 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

 

Today’s Thought

 

That moment when your steak is on the grill, and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

Friday's Funnies

 Stranded

 

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific Island for years. Finally, one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  After a while the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?" "Well, that's my house there." "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

The Dim Defendant

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

Explains A Lot

Caller:  "There's something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars."
Help Desk:  "Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can't read your password."
Caller:  "Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Briefs

 

This is the first year I'm not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. I usually don't go because I'm poor.

A sure way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Remember: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

 

The Campers

Two city boys were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being devoured. When they saw some lightning bugs, one boy said to the other: "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

The Piano Tuner

I was servicing a customer's piano and their 2-1/2 year old son stood there for a while watching. Then he asked me, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" Made my day!

Visitation

 

A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

 

Fixed!

An auto mechanic received a repair order: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn and heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he soon discovered the problem. He returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

Flashback

The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 15 years."

Where Is He Now?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?" "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

 

Complicated Breakfast Order

 

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good morning, sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"

Tea

 

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

 

In For Analysis

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge." The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting. But tell me, what does the sign on the door say?" The guy replies, "It says, 'Pull.'"

Today’s Though

 

I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

Friday's Funnies

 Valentine’s Day

 

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine's Day. "Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag," replied Tony. "That was very kind of you," Johnny added, "I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

 

He Said It

 

A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"  "How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks. "Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."

 

Parenting

 

A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like. So, I hid her keys, headbutted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

 

Aging

 

You know you've grown up when a nap no longer feels like a punishment but a reward.

 

Nothing

 

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

30K Words

 

He: "This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words."
She: "That's probably because a woman has to say everything twice."
He: "What?"

Making a Will

 

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says, "Don't worry. Leave it all to me." The man, looking somewhat upset said, "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"

City Fisherman

 

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat." "Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does." "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it." "Well, okay." After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth," he said.

 

Pulled Over

 

"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."

 

Christian One-Liners

 

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.
2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
3. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
4. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
5. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
6. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
7. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
8. To make a long story short, don't tell it.
9. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
10. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

Quarantine

 

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You weren’t really skinny to begin with!

Time of death: 11:00 pm

Cause: COVID

 

Dad Joke

 

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can't just be a coincidence.