Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs, One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you? Sincerely, Your customer
Leftovers
Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Joe, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. "Hey, Joe," I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. "Look! I found some chili." Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it."
Diet Excuse #542
"But doctor, I have metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the refrigerator!"
Direct object
Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied.
This Is A True Senior's Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Suspicious Phone Call
My mom got a suspicious phone call from a large bookstore retailer here in town. "Ma'am, we are just calling to tell you that your book has arrived. Would you like to come in and pick it up?"
Not to be taken in by just another marketing ploy to get her to buy something she never ordered, she replied, "Really! Well, then, what is the title?"
There was a long pause on the other line and then quite a string of hums and hahs. Mother's smug smile widened with every pause, while she thought, I've outsmarted them!
Finally a response: "Well, uh, the title is uh, 'How to Improve Your Short-Term Memory.'"
"Oh!" (pause) "Well, in that case, I'd better be right over!"
When she got there, they all had a good-natured laugh about it.
Budding Gardener
I took my 4 year old son, Jacob, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As we were eating our hamburgers, Jacob asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were OK to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.
Finally, Jacob looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
+++++
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........
'Boy..................go gitcha Momma..............'
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday's Funnies
PACKING THE PIANO
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the missionary couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had," he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
INTERNET PARKING NOTICE
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you – sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of 10 minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW!
You'll thank us for this later.
LETTER HOME
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a ¢ard, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
OOPS
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'," was the reply.
BLONDE
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
LETHAL PRODUCT
A dietician was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the missionary couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had," he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
INTERNET PARKING NOTICE
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you – sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of 10 minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW!
You'll thank us for this later.
LETTER HOME
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a ¢ard, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
OOPS
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'," was the reply.
BLONDE
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
LETHAL PRODUCT
A dietician was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Taking No Chances
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."
Pastoral Advice
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine. Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service. That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.
Good Answer
Arnie was having a physical examination before entering school. The doctor asked him, "Have you ever had any trouble with your ears and nose?" "Sure," answered the boy, "They always get in my way when I take off my T-shirt."
Government At Work
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official. And you wondered why everything costs so much in Washington…
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Price of oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.I feel better already.
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,And so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.'On the PA system: 'Clean-up needed on aisle 3. We have a husband down... ‘
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."
Pastoral Advice
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine. Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service. That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.
Good Answer
Arnie was having a physical examination before entering school. The doctor asked him, "Have you ever had any trouble with your ears and nose?" "Sure," answered the boy, "They always get in my way when I take off my T-shirt."
Government At Work
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official. And you wondered why everything costs so much in Washington…
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Price of oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.I feel better already.
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,And so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.'On the PA system: 'Clean-up needed on aisle 3. We have a husband down... ‘
Friday, February 20, 2009
Economy Notice
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.
The Memorable Speech
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
+++++
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
+++++
Norwegian Math Test
A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the dean won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the dean said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
‘Without numbers?’ The Norwegian says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.
‘What’s this?’ the dean asks.
‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says the Norwegian.
‘Fair enough,’ says the dean. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’
The dean scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’
‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’
The dean is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’
The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’
The dean looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little dog come along and pooped by each tree So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’
‘So, ven do I start?
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.
The Memorable Speech
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
+++++
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
+++++
Norwegian Math Test
A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the dean won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the dean said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
‘Without numbers?’ The Norwegian says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.
‘What’s this?’ the dean asks.
‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says the Norwegian.
‘Fair enough,’ says the dean. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’
The dean scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’
‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’
The dean is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’
The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’
The dean looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little dog come along and pooped by each tree So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’
‘So, ven do I start?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Angels
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. - Sarah, 7
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. - Gregory, 5
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. - Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. - Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! - Jack, 6
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. - Reagan, 10
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. - Jared, 8
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Lynn, 9
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. - Daniel, 9
Blind Date
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."
Reminders
One Sunday a pastor announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishioners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the pastor, shook his hand, and said, "I'll take five."
Quick Stinking
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now -- let us spray!"
Correct Answer
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
Lighter Load
The lady next door sympathized as Cheryl complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait until your husband gets home?" the next door neighbor asked. "I could," Cheryl told the lady. "But the couch is easier to move if Arnie’s not on it… "
Expectant Fathers
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!"
"It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins."
Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, “Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"
"It figures," the second father said. "I'm the weatherman on Channel 3."
At that the third father fainted.
The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with him?"
The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"
Under The Bed
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Come to me three times a week for two years," said the psychiatrist, "and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Too expensive. My paperboy cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"
+++++
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. - Sarah, 7
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. - Gregory, 5
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. - Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. - Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! - Jack, 6
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. - Reagan, 10
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. - Jared, 8
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Lynn, 9
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. - Daniel, 9
Blind Date
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."
Reminders
One Sunday a pastor announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishioners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the pastor, shook his hand, and said, "I'll take five."
Quick Stinking
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now -- let us spray!"
Correct Answer
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
Lighter Load
The lady next door sympathized as Cheryl complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait until your husband gets home?" the next door neighbor asked. "I could," Cheryl told the lady. "But the couch is easier to move if Arnie’s not on it… "
Expectant Fathers
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!"
"It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins."
Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, “Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"
"It figures," the second father said. "I'm the weatherman on Channel 3."
At that the third father fainted.
The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with him?"
The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"
Under The Bed
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Come to me three times a week for two years," said the psychiatrist, "and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Too expensive. My paperboy cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"
+++++
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday's Funnies
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
+++++
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'
Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'
'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday...!
+++++
Recently, I strapped on a step counter and went for a walk with my mother.
"What's that?" she asked.
"An exercise tool that keeps track of your steps," I said. "I'm hoping it'll help me lose weight."
Clearly unconvinced, she asked, "Wouldn't it work better if it counted your bites?"
+++++
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
+++++
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the engaged couple. The bride leaned over and asked what the boy was doing. He proudly replied, "I'm the Ring Bear!"
+++++
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo?.........It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
+++++
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
+++++
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'
Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'
'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday...!
+++++
Recently, I strapped on a step counter and went for a walk with my mother.
"What's that?" she asked.
"An exercise tool that keeps track of your steps," I said. "I'm hoping it'll help me lose weight."
Clearly unconvinced, she asked, "Wouldn't it work better if it counted your bites?"
+++++
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
+++++
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the engaged couple. The bride leaned over and asked what the boy was doing. He proudly replied, "I'm the Ring Bear!"
+++++
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo?.........It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
+++++
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!"
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday's Funnies
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- What's this doing here?
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
+++++
"Penny for your thoughts"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
+++++
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
+++++
Two crows were sitting on a fence amazed at how fast a jet with smoke pouring out the back was going.
First crow: Man, look how fast that guy is going.
Second crow: You'd fly that fast too if your tail was on fire!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- What's this doing here?
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
+++++
"Penny for your thoughts"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
+++++
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
+++++
Two crows were sitting on a fence amazed at how fast a jet with smoke pouring out the back was going.
First crow: Man, look how fast that guy is going.
Second crow: You'd fly that fast too if your tail was on fire!
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