Friday's Funnies

Angels
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. - Sarah, 7
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. - Gregory, 5
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. - Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. - Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! - Jack, 6
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. - Reagan, 10
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. - Jared, 8
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Lynn, 9
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. - Daniel, 9

Blind Date
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

Reminders
One Sunday a pastor announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishioners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the pastor, shook his hand, and said, "I'll take five."

Quick Stinking
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now -- let us spray!"

Correct Answer
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Lighter Load
The lady next door sympathized as Cheryl complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait until your husband gets home?" the next door neighbor asked. "I could," Cheryl told the lady. "But the couch is easier to move if Arnie’s not on it… "

Expectant Fathers
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!"
"It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins."
Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, “Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"
"It figures," the second father said. "I'm the weatherman on Channel 3."
At that the third father fainted.
The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with him?"
The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"

Under The Bed
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Come to me three times a week for two years," said the psychiatrist, "and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Too expensive. My paperboy cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"

+++++

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"