Friday's Funnies

Taking No Chances
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."

Pastoral Advice
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine. Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service. That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.

Good Answer
Arnie was having a physical examination before entering school. The doctor asked him, "Have you ever had any trouble with your ears and nose?" "Sure," answered the boy, "They always get in my way when I take off my T-shirt."

Government At Work
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official. And you wondered why everything costs so much in Washington…

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Price of oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.

Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.I feel better already.

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,And so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.'On the PA system: 'Clean-up needed on aisle 3. We have a husband down... ‘