Jon wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened
Jon decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Jon a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy
When Jon received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, they took 95%.
Love,
Jon
+++++
Senior Moments
- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- From Florida .....I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart ?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
+++++
Friendly Argument
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Texas Mindset
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
The Mis-Step
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child. My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
As You Requested
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter, Arnie, had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie..."
+++++
Phil and Will built an ice skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd, leading his flock, decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Translation Oops
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
Ponderings
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
- After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
- This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a fire truck.
- The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
- Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
- The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
More Ponderings
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Bug flew into a barn
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
Ponderings
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
- After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
- This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a fire truck.
- The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
- Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
- The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
More Ponderings
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Bug flew into a barn
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Friday's Funnies
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
+++++
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto, Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the Bartender, 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
‘Off to England next month,' says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
‘Ah, England!' says the Bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ...'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the Bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
+++++
Why do we love children?
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!
+++++
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto, Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the Bartender, 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
‘Off to England next month,' says John. ‘We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
‘Ah, England!' says the Bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ...'
'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. ‘Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ...'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the Bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
+++++
Why do we love children?
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Donkey Sale
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Sounds Logical
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."
Timesaver
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Phlip Response
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph,' not an 'f,'" I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."
The Cure
One afternoon, Mike went to his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined Mike, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water. Startled to be put on so much medication, Mike stammered, "Wow, Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Giving
The pastor of a small church exhorted his flock to give generously when the collection plate was passed. "give," he pleaded, "as though it were going right back into you own pocket." After the service, the pastor chided one of the members: "George, I noticed that you let the collection plate go right by you in spite of my appeal." "Well, Reverend," the man replied, "I figured as long as the money was going back into my pocket anyway, it didn't need no round trip."
Gas Prices
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
The catch
A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
The Dog Psychiatrist
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Sounds Logical
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."
Timesaver
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Phlip Response
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph,' not an 'f,'" I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."
The Cure
One afternoon, Mike went to his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined Mike, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water. Startled to be put on so much medication, Mike stammered, "Wow, Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
Giving
The pastor of a small church exhorted his flock to give generously when the collection plate was passed. "give," he pleaded, "as though it were going right back into you own pocket." After the service, the pastor chided one of the members: "George, I noticed that you let the collection plate go right by you in spite of my appeal." "Well, Reverend," the man replied, "I figured as long as the money was going back into my pocket anyway, it didn't need no round trip."
Gas Prices
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.
The catch
A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
The Dog Psychiatrist
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
Friday, July 18, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Therapy
My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
The Fall
When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?" When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that." When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it’s over." When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"
Proof
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure Honey. You carry the suitcases!"
Ten Things You Never Hear in Church
1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV evangelists."
5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."
8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."
+++++
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.'There's no charge,' she says.'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.''So I just switched the heads.'
+++++
Fair price
A professor handed out the test to his students and returned to his desk to wait. When the test was over, the students filed over and handed in their papers.
As the professor was going through the submissions, he noticed one student had taped a hundred dollar bill to his test. On the bill the student had written 'A buck a point'.
The next day the professor handed back the tests.
The student who had attached the hundred also received an envelope containing 64 dollars. On it was written 'Here's your change'.
Tonsillectomy
A family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without missing a beat his father replied, "They're going to give you a phone."
My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
The Fall
When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?" When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that." When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it’s over." When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"
Proof
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure Honey. You carry the suitcases!"
Ten Things You Never Hear in Church
1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV evangelists."
5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."
8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."
+++++
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.'There's no charge,' she says.'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.''So I just switched the heads.'
+++++
Fair price
A professor handed out the test to his students and returned to his desk to wait. When the test was over, the students filed over and handed in their papers.
As the professor was going through the submissions, he noticed one student had taped a hundred dollar bill to his test. On the bill the student had written 'A buck a point'.
The next day the professor handed back the tests.
The student who had attached the hundred also received an envelope containing 64 dollars. On it was written 'Here's your change'.
Tonsillectomy
A family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without missing a beat his father replied, "They're going to give you a phone."
Friday, July 11, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Unplugged
In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
My Mistake
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
How He Does It
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Truth In Labeling
Our supply clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
+++++
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
+++++
"Name that boat"
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
+++++
"Baby coming?"
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and cried, "I think Mommy ate it!"
+++++
"Snakes"
Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why yes we are," said the second.
Again the first snake asked, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes we are very poisonous."
Again the snake asked, "Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!"
In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
My Mistake
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
How He Does It
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Truth In Labeling
Our supply clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
+++++
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
+++++
"Name that boat"
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
+++++
"Baby coming?"
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and cried, "I think Mommy ate it!"
+++++
"Snakes"
Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why yes we are," said the second.
Again the first snake asked, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes we are very poisonous."
Again the snake asked, "Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!"
Friday, July 4, 2008
Friday's Funnies
One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
+++++
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
+++++
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
+++++
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++
Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
+++++
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
+++++
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
+++++
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++
Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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