Friday's Funnies

Donkey Sale
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

Sounds Logical
Brenda's 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant: "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, that's why they call them exstinkt."

Timesaver
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Phlip Response
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight. "Decipher is spelled with a 'ph,' not an 'f,'" I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program." A minute later came his reply: "Must be dephective."

The Cure
One afternoon, Mike went to his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined Mike, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water. Startled to be put on so much medication, Mike stammered, "Wow, Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

Giving
The pastor of a small church exhorted his flock to give generously when the collection plate was passed. "give," he pleaded, "as though it were going right back into you own pocket." After the service, the pastor chided one of the members: "George, I noticed that you let the collection plate go right by you in spite of my appeal." "Well, Reverend," the man replied, "I figured as long as the money was going back into my pocket anyway, it didn't need no round trip."

Gas Prices
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.

The catch
A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when the man stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.

"Ummm, yes I do... so?" the confused driver replied.

The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

The Dog Psychiatrist
Two poodles were chatting.

"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."

The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"

To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"