Friday's Funnies

Translation Oops

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.

Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"


Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"


Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"


Ponderings

- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
- After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?
- This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a fire truck.
- The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
- Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?
- The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.


More Ponderings
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?


Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.