Friday's Funnies

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

 

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Attractive Waitress

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

 

Laryngitis

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days. To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

 

Procrastinator

Sorry I'm late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

Real Court Hilarity

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

-------

Attorney: Do you recall the time when you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at that time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

-------

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

-------

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them… The live ones put up too much of a fight.

-------

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

-------

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

Dad Joke

Tomorrow my son and I are going to get new glasses and after that we'll see.

 

Today's Thought

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

 

Friday's Funnies

 Losing weight

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 

Q & A

 

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan…

 

Q: How do you tell boy ants from girl ants?

A: You put them in water. Any that sink would be a girl ant. Any that float would be buoyant…

 

Cat Names

 

One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me. 'That's Astrophe, that's Erpillar, that's Aract, that's Alogue.' "Where on earth did you get such unusual names?' I asked. 'Oh, those are their last names,' she explained. Their first names are Cat.'

 

Important Advice

 

- Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

- If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

Doctor’s Appointment

 

I told my doctor's receptionist I need an appointment. "How about 10 tomorrow?" she asked. "I don't need that many," I replied.

 

Elderly Couple

 

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.  By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.  When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the lady got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “And while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too.”

 

Savings Account Application

 

A mother decided that her 10-year-old daughter, Cathy, should get something practical for Christmas. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” the mother suggested. Cathy liked the idea. “It’s your account, darling” the mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.” Cathy had no problem until she came to the space marked, “Name of your former bank.” After a moment’s hesitation she wrote, “Piggy… ”

 

Laws Of Life

 

Law of Mechanical  Repair  

-   After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

Law of Gravity

- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

Law of Probability

- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of Random Numbers

- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

Variation Law

- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

Law of Close Encounters

- The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

Quiet in Church

 

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

Dad Joke

 

Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what's inside a wrapped present. 

It's a gift. 

 

Today’s Though

Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.

Friday's Funnies

 Crossfit

Me: "I'm still tired of all the crossfit this morning."

Co-working: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate four of them."

 

We Have A Case Here, Sarge

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

Visions

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.” “When did these start?” “Next Thursday.”

Rain or Shine

Jon: Great news! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Michael: What is so great about that?
Jon: It's snowing.

The Tides Have Turned

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

The Children of Israel

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey, "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'"?

Praying

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running to church as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! But please don't shove me either!"

Q&A

Q: Where do rainbows go when they're bad?
A: Prism, but it's a light sentence.

Proposition

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators.  He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.  The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter.

So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.  I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH!  One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, with the crowd cheering him on.  Finally he made it to the other side, miraculously unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. "My boy that was incredible!  Fantastic!  I didn't think it could be done!  Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money!  And I don't want your daughter!  I just want the name of the guy who pushed me into that pool!"

Dad Joke

My doctor emailed me asking if I knew my "blod group." I replied, "typo."

Today’s Thought

Hear about the man who ran into a screen door? He strained himself.

Friday's Funnies

 Housework-Challenged Husband

 

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "DENVER BRONCOS."

 

A Letter To God

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.

Tactful

 

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are our English friends. A British office supervisor once called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

 

Reality

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

 

Keyboard Shortcuts

 

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

 

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command...

 

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

 

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

 

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

 

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

 

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

 

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

 

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

 

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

 

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

 

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

 

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

 

The Carburetor

 

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

 

Opinions

 

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

 

Police

 

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.  'It sure is,' I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?

 

Elderly

 

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

 

School

 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

 

Dad Joke

 

 Today I saw a robber breaking into his own house. I guess he was working from home. 

 

Today’s Thought

 

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up...that's a squat, right?

Friday's Funnies

 A Tribute to Moms – Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Things Moms Would Probably Never Say

 

~ "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

~ "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

~ "Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery."

~ "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

~ "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

~ "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

~ "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

~ "I don't have a tissue with me . . . just use your sleeve."

~ "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

Starts With M

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"  When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

 

Ketchup

 
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.

 

What Mom Really Wants

 

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person - period!

5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about gas.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is.....

1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.

Corn on the Cobb

 

We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit. I said "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter." She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"

 

Light Confusion

 

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank. Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

 

That's Amazing!

 

When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old son, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother. "A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

 

Kids Being Kids

 

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys with water, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks angrily. "We were just playing 'church’, Mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

 

Today’s Thought

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Friday's Funnies

 Reality

 

My heart says pie and ice cream, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

 

Job Hopping

 

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company that prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premises, so I left.

After that I went to work for a demolition company. I got fired for breaking the cardinal rule of demolitions: Make sure you get the address right.

So I tried acting. I auditioned for the role of Hamlet, but it was not to be.

Finally, I got a job as a department store Santa, but they caught me drinking on the job, so they gave me the ol' heave ho ho ho.

Mixed Emotions

 

One youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. "It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk," he said.

Kids Are Hilarious

 

10yo: "I just read that you have fingertips, but not toe tips, yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger."

Me: "It's 6 am."

 

7yo: "Can we have candy for dinner?"

Mom: "Why would that ever be OK?"

7yo: "Because you're tired and don't feel like cooking."

Someone's been watching me more closely than she should.

 

Dad: "Did you brush your teeth?"

8yo: "I don't need to."

Dad: "Why not?"

8yo: "Yesterday, I brushed them twice."

 

11yo: "I should get my allowance from when I was away at camp."

Mom: *raises an eyebrow*

11yo: "What, so now you won't support paid leave?"

 

My son said, "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

 

Happy

 

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

 

Funny Q & A

 

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?

A: An in-dentured servant.

 

Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?

A: Lucky.

 

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

 

Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?

A. A dirty double crosser.

 

Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?

A. It wanted to lay it on the line.

 

Q. What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

A. Kids don't eat broccoli.

 

Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A trash truck.

 

Q: What did the digital watch say to the alarm clock?

A: Look, mom! No hands!

 

Q: What is a fisherman paid?

A: The net profits.

 

Q: What's a kangaroo's favorite year?

A: A leap year.

 

Dad Joke

 

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering.

 

Today's Thought

Which letter is silent in "scent" -- the C or the S?

Friday's Funnies

 The Winner

The winner has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

Mr. Potato Head

He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

 

Overdramatic

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password. We'll see who's overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

 

Stuntmen

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.

 

The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If It Had Been Written By College Students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning...cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

 

Task Force Authority

Two police officers, who are part of a task force, arrive at a cattle ranch. The officers tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." One of the officers verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the state government with us."  Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer, "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the two officers running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs: "Your badges! Show him your badges!"

 

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

~ Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

~ Come out this evening for a time of prayer and sinning.

~ Overeaters Anonymous meeting will be held at 8 pm in the large room.

~ Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

~ Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

~ Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

~ Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

~ If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"

~ Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

Lost Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So, I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

 

Laryngitis

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days. To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.

Today’s Thought

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?