Friday's Funnies

 Crossfit

Me: "I'm still tired of all the crossfit this morning."

Co-working: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate four of them."

 

We Have A Case Here, Sarge

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

Visions

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.” “When did these start?” “Next Thursday.”

Rain or Shine

Jon: Great news! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Michael: What is so great about that?
Jon: It's snowing.

The Tides Have Turned

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

The Children of Israel

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey, "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'"?

Praying

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running to church as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! But please don't shove me either!"

Q&A

Q: Where do rainbows go when they're bad?
A: Prism, but it's a light sentence.

Proposition

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators.  He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.  The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter.

So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.  I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH!  One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, with the crowd cheering him on.  Finally he made it to the other side, miraculously unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. "My boy that was incredible!  Fantastic!  I didn't think it could be done!  Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money!  And I don't want your daughter!  I just want the name of the guy who pushed me into that pool!"

Dad Joke

My doctor emailed me asking if I knew my "blod group." I replied, "typo."

Today’s Thought

Hear about the man who ran into a screen door? He strained himself.