Friday's Funnies

 A Tribute to Moms – Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Things Moms Would Probably Never Say

 

~ "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

~ "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

~ "Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery."

~ "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

~ "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

~ "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

~ "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

~ "I don't have a tissue with me . . . just use your sleeve."

~ "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

Starts With M

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"  When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

 

Ketchup

 
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.

 

What Mom Really Wants

 

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person - period!

5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about gas.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is.....

1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.

Corn on the Cobb

 

We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit. I said "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter." She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"

 

Light Confusion

 

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank. Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

 

That's Amazing!

 

When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old son, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother. "A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

 

Kids Being Kids

 

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys with water, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks angrily. "We were just playing 'church’, Mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

 

Today’s Thought

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."