Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas

It's officially the season of letting vague Santa threats do about 80 percent of my parenting.

 

Christmas Blessings

All the grand kids were visiting for Christmas. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, things got crazy, and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there; eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what the matter was, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

Counseling

Why did Santa’s helper go to counseling? He had poor elf esteem.

 

Top Ten Signs You’ve Spent Too Much Money On Christmas Presents

 

10. Your letter carrier develops a hernia delivering your MasterCard bill.

 

9. Your new computer has more RAM than Microsoft headquarters.

 

8. The Federal government is offering you a bailout.

 

7. You've taken out a second mortgage to pay for the "Nuclear-powered 3-D Brain Blaster" video game system.

 

6. A guy named "Nick the Kneecap" keeps calling you at 3 a.m.

 

5. You spend all your time away from the office or assembly line asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

4. You use cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, and computer manuals to heat your home.

 

3. The Ghost of Christmas Future reveals your family living on the street, but hey, you're the best dressed people there.

 

2. You're receiving money for food and medicine from an overseas charity.

 

1. You've forgotten the true reason for the season.

Santa's Lap

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual: "What would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"

Do You Believe In Santa

Christmas was fast approaching. Mom reminded her 8-year-old that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus. He seemed unusually resistant to the idea. So she asked, "You do believe in Santa, don't you?" He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the last year."

 

Fruitcake Recipe

1. Go to the crafts store.

2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.

3. Return home.

4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.

5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.

6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.

7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.

8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the "fruitcake."

9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!" Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake."

10. Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake ... that's just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

Dad Joke

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!" "I'm not," he replied. "Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then." "No, not at all," my friend responded. "If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?" "Oh that," he answered. "I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

Today’s Thought

One snowman said to the other, "All our friends are flakes."