Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Shopping

 

Toy store customer: "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
Clerk: "Great, I'm sure your kids will love it!"
Customer: "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

Worried Teen

 

One teenager was talking to another, "I'm really worried. Dad slaves away at his job so I'll never want for anything, so I can go to college. And Mom spends every day washing and ironing and cleaning up after me. She takes care of me when I'm sick." The other kid said, "So what are you worried about?" The first teenager said, "I'm afraid they might try to escape."

Wedding Present

 

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. Therefore, he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me." The whole audience, including the priest, started laughing. For some strange reason, the poor groom didn't.

Repeat Miracle

 

A priest is driving back to Dublin when he gets pulled over for speeding. The Garda approaches the window and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger’s seat. The priest rolls down the window and a strong smell of wine wafts out. “Have you been drinking, Father?” asks the Garda. “Just water,” replied the priest. “I can smell wine, Father,” said the Garda. The priest looks from the bottle to the heavens. “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

 

Bee Power

 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas!" The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man; watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man excl aimed. "What did you put in my gas tank?" The bee answered, "BP."

 

Useful Golf Tips

 

The First Truly Useful Golf Book includes the following chapters:
1. How to properly line up your fourth putt.
2. How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist off the tee.
3. How to get more distance off the shank.
4. Crying & how to handle it.
5. How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
6. How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
7. Why your wife doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
8. How to relax when you are hitting 5 off the tee.
9. When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
10. Re-gripping your ball retriever

Preparing For Christmas

 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have SOME standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

Dad Joke

 

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

 

Today’s Thought

Last night our Wi-Fi stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.