REMINDER: 9pm is the time to remove your day
pajamas and put your night pajamas on.
Coronavirus Funnies
Tomorrow is the National Home-School
Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.
You're welcome!
2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers...
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do... cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can't eat out, now's the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy.
We're quarantined! Wait, who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants. I say we use them!
Day 15 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what's the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn't matter... you're not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can't follow directions.
When this is over... what meeting do I attend first... Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers...
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do... cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can't eat out, now's the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy.
We're quarantined! Wait, who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants. I say we use them!
Day 15 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what's the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn't matter... you're not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can't follow directions.
When this is over... what meeting do I attend first... Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
Impatient
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a
careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a
horse. "I'll be right back with
some water," the doctor tells him. The
doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the
drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until
the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket
of warm water, "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about
20 minutes."
Not Sleeping
An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained
that he had not slept a wink. "Why
didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked. "I did, and that's what got
me into trouble," the accountant replied. "I made a mistake the first
hour, and it took until morning to correct it."
The Global Recession...
The recession has hit everybody really hard:
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
Memory Clinic
Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the
memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the
latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It
was great. I haven't had a problem since."
"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the
clinic?" Fred went blank. He
thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his
wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Today’s Thoughts
If you get an email that says "Find out what
everyone is talking about in 2020" don't open it - it's a virus.
I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of
Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
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