Friday's Funnies

Easter Morning

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"

2020

I just finished my 90-day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

Coronavirus Realities

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

Clearly

A woman walked up to the store's customer service desk to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband the previous week. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" asked the clerk. "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

Getting Airborne

Preacher:  "This morning's worship went well, but I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
Preacher's wife:  "Well, it sure did taxi long enough."

Riverbank

An airhead standing by the river sees another airhead on the opposite bank.

Airhead #1: "Yoo-hoo! Hello over there! How can I get to the other side of the river?"

Airhead #2: "Idiot -- you ARE on the other side."

Paranoia

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.

Easter Thoughts

~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ When I was a kid I really hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ I really hadn't planned on giving up this much for Lent.

Today’s Thought

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter - the living room or the bedroom.