Friday's Funnies

Notice:  Introverts, check in on your extrovert friends. They have no idea how this works.

Quarantine Diary

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix.

Science Class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.  After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"  After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Morning Sickness

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.  "What's wrong Molly?" she asked.  Molly told her that she had morning sickness.  Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"  "I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.  "I'm just sick of mornings."

Top Ten Signs You Picked A Discounted Video Streaming Service

10. Have to make sure you have enough quarters before starting

9. You hear tech support guy’s Mom yelling at him in the background

8. Have to pay a cover charge to enter group chat rooms

7. If you mis-type your password, it says “Close Enough”

6. You’re told to shake bag of chicken bones at screen when connection fails

5. Must use rolled up aluminum foil antenna to get a good signal

4. Their slogan: #PrettymuchvirusFree

3. Have to share your screen with an appliance salesman

2. “Shamwow!” commercials always cutting in on your web cam

1. Only one person per zip code can be on at once

The Wave

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

Cooking Instructions

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." — until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible." The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."

Shelter in Place

Introvert View:

Finally, introverts experience a world that is suited for us. All events cancelled, we don't even have to go through the trouble of flaking out 4/24/2020. No one is making random small talk or physical contact. Everybody minding their business.

Extrovert view:

Once this is all over with, I'm hugging everybody. Get ready for long, awkward hugs. I'm gonna make it weird.

From The Mouths of Children

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

Today’s Thoughts

-          I wonder if God was so fed up with all our fighting down here that He sent us to our rooms.

-          Anybody else feel like they have cooked dinner 395 times this month already?

Friday's Funnies

REMINDER: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

Coronavirus Funnies

Tomorrow is the National Home-School Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You're welcome!

2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers...

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do... cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Since we can't eat out, now's the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy.
We're quarantined! Wait, who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants. I say we use them!

Day 15 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa what's the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn't matter... you're not going anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can't follow directions.

When this is over... what meeting do I attend first... Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Impatient

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.  "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.  The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.  Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

Not Sleeping

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink.  "Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked. "I did, and that's what got me into trouble," the accountant replied. "I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it."

The Global Recession...

The recession has hit everybody really hard:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.  

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

Memory Clinic

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"  "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since."  "Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"  Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.  Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"  "You mean a rose?"  "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Today’s Thoughts

If you get an email that says "Find out what everyone is talking about in 2020" don't open it - it's a virus.

I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

Friday's Funnies

Easter Morning

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"

2020

I just finished my 90-day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

Coronavirus Realities

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

Clearly

A woman walked up to the store's customer service desk to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband the previous week. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" asked the clerk. "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

Getting Airborne

Preacher:  "This morning's worship went well, but I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
Preacher's wife:  "Well, it sure did taxi long enough."

Riverbank

An airhead standing by the river sees another airhead on the opposite bank.

Airhead #1: "Yoo-hoo! Hello over there! How can I get to the other side of the river?"

Airhead #2: "Idiot -- you ARE on the other side."

Paranoia

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.

Easter Thoughts

~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ When I was a kid I really hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ I really hadn't planned on giving up this much for Lent.

Today’s Thought

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter - the living room or the bedroom.

Friday's Funnies

Coronavirus Jokes to Retrain Your Face How to Smile

1.            Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….

2.            Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.

3.            Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.

4.            I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

5.            Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.

6.            Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

7.            Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

8.            Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!

9.            What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.

10.          I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

11.          You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.

12.          What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst kase scenario.

13.          If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.

14.          What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.

15.          If Coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

16.          The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

17.          So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.

18.          Yeah I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.

Winter Cold

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.  Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.  "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.  One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost.  My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter.  After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've spent the winter in Florida." 

Brief Ponderations

·         Some people aren't shaking hands because of Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

·         You know you are bored when the most pleasurable thing you can look forward to is the next time you must go to the kitchen to take your medicine.

·         You can tell you are OLD when you go to your medicine container to see what day it is instead of hunting the calendar. I went to mine to also take my pills and saw that the first full section was labeled ‘T'. I knew that stood for ‘tomorrow' so I waited.

·         The word 'queue' is ironic. It's just a 'q' with a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line.

·         When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Express Lane

I was in the express lane at the supermarket quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign requiring six items or less, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

You Might Be An Engineer If...

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into binary.

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* The blinking 12:00 or wrong time on someone's microwave draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

Today’s Thoughts

First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's NOT mess this up!

Feels like we're only 3-4 weeks away from learning everyone's real hair color.