Top Ten Excuses The Innkeeper Had
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too
successful
9. Wife said he
couldn't accept wood carvings as payment anymore
8. Too busy
getting new "Motel One" franchise going
7. Last pregnant
lady riding a donkey took all their towels
6. Filled up for
the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention
5. Didn't accept
the Judean Express Card
4. Last room left
was by the ice machine
3. Nazareth
Shriners tore up the place the night before
2. Closed front
desk early to take family to watch unique star.
1. No last names,
no service
DNA Results
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind
of strange, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually
from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious
to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is
not our kid... Husband: Well you don't
remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby
had pooped. You said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you
here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there. Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is
not qualified.
On the Scale
When children come into the doctor's office where I work,
it's my job to weigh and measure them. After
several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the
scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do
and stand on it." Recognition
dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked
down and exclaimed, "Oh, no!"
Puns
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain
breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain
self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by
far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat,
the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even
if they have plenty of food and water.
Watching a Rocket
A couple of birds were watching a rocket take off from
Kennedy Space Center. "Wow,"
said one, "look how fast he flies." The other replied, "You'd
fly like that too it your tail was on fire."
Noah
Johnny: "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
while he was on the Ark?" Sonny: "No. How could he, with just
two worms."
Insurance Laughs
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a
UK insurance company:
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more
stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under
the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with
a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the
accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers
on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn.
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo.
"On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to
the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front
suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after
midnight."
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who
had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."
"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap
until after it happened."
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I
would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably
Voodoo."
"We had completed the turn and had just straightened
the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies'
loo."
Baseball In Heaven
Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed
their favorite team's game. They promised whoever died first, and went to
heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited
for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He
said to Bob, "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news
first. There IS baseball in heaven."
Bob said, "That's the best news!" Then Earl said, "Time for the bad
news...you're pitching tomorrow night."
Today’s Though
A snowman asked his friend what she thought of carrot
cake. The friend replied, “It tastes like boogers.”
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