Friday's Funnies

Weather Report

Just before leaving the North Pole on Christmas Eve to deliver gifts to children around the world, Santa asked Mrs. Claus about the local weather forecast. Mrs. Claus responded, "Looks like rain, Dear!"

Garden Gnome

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.  "A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"  The cat replies, "Um, I'm a gnome."

A Few Punny One-liners

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan.

Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

Turning Vegan would be a missed steak.

Well, to be Frank I'd have to change my name.

Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem, it's a solution.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.

Heaven

A husband and wife had each died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors.  Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?"  The wife said, "Yes."  The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"

At The Gym

An older man, not in the best physical condition, goes to the local gym. Once dressed in his exercise clothes, he approaches a trainer in the gym. “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?”  The trainer took one look at him and with a smile replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”

Interview

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator. The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?" "Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"

Government Employee's Three Wishes

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.

Funeral Expenses

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

God's Wit Is Astounding

When a man gets into a conversation with God, he decides to try his luck with him to see if he can get ahead. Little did he know just how witty the creator himself really is... A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when decided to talk to God. "God, He said, "How long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a dime." The man then asked, "God, can I have a dime?" "In a minute."

Today’s Thought

I entered my first marathon and finished first! Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.