Friday's Funnies

I Love Thanksgiving

Some people REALLY love Christmas, but I love Thanksgiving.  Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.  Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

Turkey Carving

A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house.  The host deftly carved the turkey and said, "I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"  The surgeon replied: "Anybody can take it apart.  Let's see you put it back together again."

Thanksgiving Weather Summary

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Top Ten Thanksgiving-themed Movies

10. "To Kill A Walking Bird"
9. "My Best Friend's Dressing"
8. "The Texas Coleslaw Massacre"
7. "Casserolablanca"
6. "Silence of the Yams"
5. "I Know What You Ate Last Winter"
4. "White Meat Can't Jump"
3. "All the President's Menu"
2. "When Harry Met Salad"
1. "The Wing and I"

Good Question

A lady was looking for a turkey for her Thanksgiving dinner but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the store's stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he responded. "They're dead."

Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Bird

-        Salmonella won't be a concern.

-        Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

-        Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

-        Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

-        Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

-        No one will overeat.

-        The smoke alarm was due for a test.

-        Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

-        You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

-        After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

-        You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches

Being Thankful

The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. "You must have picked up a ton of groceries today," a customer said to the checker. "How can you stay so pleasant?" "We can all count our blessings," the clerk replied. "The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn't come in July."

Actual Interactions from the Butterball Help Line

·        When a Butterball staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller said, "Florida."

·        A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After conversing with the operator, it became apparent that the woman's turkey was lying on the table upside-down.

·        A man called to say he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey.

Football Season

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

The Perfect Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the legs for dinner and there were never enough for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together: "Well I finally did it. I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I could never catch the crazy thing!"

Today’s Thought

He ate so much over the holiday weekend he decided to quit cold turkey. 

Friday's Funnies

Speeding

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"  The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."  "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?"  "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

Righteous Golf

Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical "golfer" outfits.  After a while, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

Customary Charges

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:  "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'  "If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'  "If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"

Spell checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather I am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose before two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Am shore your pleased to no
It's letter perfect all the weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!

Good Golf

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." '
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"  The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Pregnancy and Women: Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now, when will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Today’s Thought

Thank the Lord for Facebook & Instagram. Otherwise I’d have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.

Friday's Funnies

Psychiatrist

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog. "It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."  "Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."  The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Aging

Reporters were interviewing a 104-year-old woman. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.  She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Walmart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

3. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

4. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

5. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

6. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

7. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

8. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

10. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Weight loss

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Disorder in the American Courts

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

Driver’s License Renewed

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.  The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."  The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Today’s Thought

You know you've reached middle age when you when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. 

Friday's Funnies

How To Remember Family Dates

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on the screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Pondering Pounds

One of life's mysteries is how a one-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Exciting Trip

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans. But, of course, my main concern was for my child. My fears were quickly alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

Hiccups

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, "Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?"  The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man's face.  The man said "What did you do that for?"  The tech replied, "Well, you don't have any hiccups now, do you?"  The man replied, "I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car."

Percentage

I was told that 70% of the population is unintelligent. I'm obviously with the other 40%.

Renter

A person calls a pet store: "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once."

Astonished clerk: "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?"

Caller: "I'm moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

Natural Born

In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.  In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Bank Teller

First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.

Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.

First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.

Aging

A retired couple are sitting together at home, getting cuddly; he takes off his glasses & moves closer.

She: "Sweetie, without your glasses, you still look like that handsome young man I married."

He: "Well, Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

The Computer Swallowed Grandma - This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer.

The computer swallowed grandma.

Yes, honestly it's true!

She pressed 'control' and 'enter'

And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

She must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the Recycle Bin

And files of every kind;

I've even used the Internet,

But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'

My Grandma you should see,

Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me!

Today’s Thought

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

Friday's Funnies

Halloween Q&A

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.

How can you send mail to skeletons?
Bony Express

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

How did the ghost repair his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Legitimate Questions For Seniors

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Just Sign Here

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Meeting Schedule

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when nobody wants to argue with me."

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Tying a Tie

Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. Sure," he said. "Lie down."  Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. "Sorry, but this is the only way I know how," he said. "Comes from practicing on my father's clients."  "What does your father do?" "He's a mortician."

Mr. Aging

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.  "It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

Silly Jokes

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now.

Today’s Thought

Sure worry works: 98% of the things I worry about don't happen.