Friday's Funnies

Merry Christmas

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?

A pineapple

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missletoe

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A subordinate claus

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?

The letter "D"

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Holly

Holly who?

Holly-days are here again!

Kindhearted

I just NEED to vent...I have had enough!!! I'll never help anyone again...EVER!!! I'm too kindhearted, or just stupid!  The other day it was so cold out that I took a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for him. Poor thing looked about froze out there in the cold. Couldn't even talk or move. But the next morning he had just vanished. Not a word...no goodbye or even a thank you for sheltering him! The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor! That's the thanks I get for being good to people???  I want to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, wearing nothing but a hat and scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks! Don't bring him into your house!! He will make a huge mess on the floor and then disappear!

A Few Nights Before Christmas

A few nights before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, Just me and my mouse.

My shopping not done, I had flown to my chair.

I'd get on the Internet, and buy my gifts there!

"On Visa! On MasterCard, Amex! Discover!..."

Double click here! Buy one or the other!

Load up your shopping cart, away with the mall!

Now click away, click away, Click away, all!

I had finished my list, "That was easy," I thought,

"But how do I get all this stuff I just bought?"

I must have dozed off, when I heard such a clatter.

I arose with a start to see what was the matter.

I threw open the door... Is this some sort of trick?

The guy on the porch- "You must be St. Nick!"

"You wish," said the guy, "It's the UPS, you old coot.

Who else do you think could schlep all this loot?"

I thanked him again as he drove out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night!"

Today’s Thoughts

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.

You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!