Friday's Funnies

The New Shawl for Christmas

I've always wanted a beautiful shawl to wear with my winter dresses. So when I opened the present from my sister Wanda, and saw that it was a white-and-silver shawl, I squealed in delight. "I love it!" I told Wanda that evening. "I wore it all morning." "You wore it?" she asked, smiling. "It's a skirt for the Christmas tree."

All I Need To Know I Learned From Santa

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

3. Don't pout.

4. It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it's okay to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Bright red can make anyone look good.

8. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

9. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

10. Whenever you're at a loss for words, say "HO, HO, HO!"

Fruitcake Recipe

I have a fruitcake that has been in my family for several years. Apparently, my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish for years.

Items Needed:

4 oz. Fruit Bits

1 Railroad Tie

Wood Saw

Large Rubber Mallet

Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children, get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be around the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake.

Christmas Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?"  "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"

Christmas Quiz

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?

It’s true, Comet cleans sinks

How many reindeer does Santa Have???

10 (named below)

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen Rudolph (the one with the red nose) Olive (Olive the other reindeer)

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?

Sandy Claws!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey, - he is always stuffed.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

Santa Clues!

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

Clerk: "What denomination?"

Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

Today’s Thought

They announced that in Minnesota they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out just to be a field of carrots.