Friday's Funnies

Doctors Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.  Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"  The other three agreed.  The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."  The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."  The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."  The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Football Fan

A football fan is someone who'll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field...and then head to the parking lot and not be able to find their own car.

Man of the House

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"  His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Prayer

A lady hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car, and found that she had locked her keys inside. She found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, but she didn’t know how to use it to open the door. She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. He asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car, and I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to open my car door?"  He said, “Sure.” He walked over to her car and, in less than 2 minutes, had the door open. She hugged the man and, through tears, softly said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a nice man.” The man heard her little prayer and said, “Lady, I’m not a nice man. I just got out of prison. I was in for auto theft.” The woman hugged him again and sobbed, “Thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”

Offering

A minister in a little church announced: "Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"  The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Surgeon and Architect

An architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work.  "You know, doctor," said the architect, "I sometimes believe this type of work is as complicated as the work we do."  "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."  The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."  But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"  "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.   And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Today’s Thought

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.