Friday's Funnies

Hearing Check

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"  There was no response.  He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"  Still, there was no response.  Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

Wise Beyond His Years

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room, "In the garden of Eden."

Women

Message by a wife: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men? A very intelligent student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

Dead Or Alive

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.  Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - either way, you get your dog back." 

Walk On Water

Dewey heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.  So, on his 21st birthday, Dewey and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.  When Dewey and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dewey stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.  Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home.  When Dewey arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"  His sweet old grandmother took Dewey by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, you were born in June, dear."

Tech Support

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?"

User: (describes problem)

Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)

User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

Tech: "Okay: 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"

Perspective

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Long Sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Flying Blondes

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says. "We just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.  A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says. "We just lost another engine but it's all right. We have two more. It will take us another half hour though."  One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines, we will be up here all day?"

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

Today’s Thought

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.