Friday's Funnies

You Know You’re A Bad Cook When...

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Aids Warning!

To all of you who are approaching 60 or have REACHED 60 and past, this is especially for you.
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE WORLD'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!!!
Yes, AIDS...
Hearing aids, band aids, walking aids, medical aids, and most of all, monetary aid to their kids!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing)
HAPPY SENIOR CITIZEN DAY!

Fundamental Difference

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop.  When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.  Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.  Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.  The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.  And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. 

Sign

Sign on company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."

A Man's Guide to What A Woman Is Saying

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

Lacking Trust

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on.  A police officer stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass from here?"  Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!"

Alarming

A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, "I'm a heavy sleeper.  Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!" The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, "Do you know how angry I am?" "Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta," replied the conductor.

Today’s Thought

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.