Friday's Funnies

Oneliners

- I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.

- Punctual people have nothing better to do.

- The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

- I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards.

- This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

An Adventure On Safari

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.  One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.  Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.  Ben picked up his rifle and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.  The wife said, "What are we going to do?"  "Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Six-Pack

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

What Made Me Fat?

Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That's ridiculous!

Husband: Okay, Miss know it all, if high fructose corn syrup didn't make me fat, what did?

Wife: Going back for thirds.

Agenda

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates.  "Man," he says to Saint Peter, "I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it's time for some much needed R and R."  Saint Peter looks at him and says "Didn't you hear? You have a new agenda!"  "Agenda?" says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet.  "Where is it?!"  Saint Peter smiles and says "Oh, it's on the cloud now!"

Life’s Irritants

- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.  

- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle but says nothing.

- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

- You've cut your finger and no matter how you pull, rip, and scream the Band-Aid won't open.

- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

- After a turn on to a busy street, you drive five blocks before you notice your turn signal is still blinking.

Wifi Password

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. And I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender "What's the wifi password?"

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first".

Me: Okay, I’ll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molsons Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Ok. Here you are. What's the wifi password?

Bartender: youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.....

Useful words that ought to exist:

1) Begathon - Fundraising drive on public television or radio.

2) Cheedle - Residue on your fingers after eating Cheetos®.

3) Fenderberg - Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.

4) Flopcorn - Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

"Please" & "Thank You"

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

Too Effective

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn`t do something about it.  So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Today’s Thought

Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.