Friday's Funnies

Parking Place

John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer."  Just then a parking place miraculously appeared!  John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"

On Trial

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.  The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."  To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

Morning Health Check

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Frobisher, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Frobisher: That's because I've been practicing all night.

Proverbs

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• A day without sunshine is like ... night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• The latest surveys concluded that 3 out of 4 people make up 75 percent of the world's population.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• Scientists have discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Wedding Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"  "I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

Things The Professor Says And What He Really Means

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.

(I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.

(I don't understand the details either.)

The test scores were generally good.

(Some of you managed a C)

Some of you could have done better.

(Everyone failed.)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.

(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

Medical Treatment

An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!"  Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I've lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that’s gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back," and handed him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Today’s Thought

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.