Friday's Funnies

Happy Easter...

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Easter Thoughts

~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ When I was a kid I hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Today’s money-saving Easter tip: Make the kid's plastic Easter basket grass yourself — just run a trash bag through the pasta maker.

~ The Easter Bunny must be a teenager. Who else would think it's cool to leave eggs in shoes?

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ Sunday is Easter, a time to celebrate new life with maybe a new outfit, an Easter egg hunt, or just a prayer of thanksgiving and a warm feeling. And I know somehow, somewhere, before the day is over, I'm gonna consume an entire chocolate bunny.

Easter Bunny

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.  The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.  "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."   The woman says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!  Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.  The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"   The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label: "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

You're Not a Kid Anymore When... (according to Jeff Foxworthy)

• You consider coffee one of the more important things in life.
• You actually enjoy watching the news.
• The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
• The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
• People ask what color your hair USED to be.
• You start singing along with the elevator music.
• You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
• Your car has four doors.
• You routinely check the oil in your car.
• You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• 7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."
• You write "thank you" notes without being told.

Definitely Not Another Blonde Story  (Well, Maybe)

A young woman received a phone call in the office where she worked and burst into tears. Her boss asked what was wrong. She said, "I just got a call that my mom died." The boss compassionately told her to take a couple days off. As she was clearing her desk the phone rang again. She answered it and promptly broke down crying. The boss asked her, "What's wrong now?" She said, "My sister just called and told me that her mom died too!"

Random Observations

• My insurance is like a hospital gown... You are not as well covered as you think you are.
• I went into a pet shop the other day and the owner tried to sell me a spider, but I checked on the internet and it would have been cheaper to buy it on the web.
• People think I'm obsessed by awards. That's ridiculous, as I was telling my children Oscar, Emmy and Tony the other day.

Today’s Thought

My goal for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds.  Only 15 pounds to go.