Friday's Funnies

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Oops

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Anniversary Wisdom

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no I in the word marriage." The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Oldies

1. Herman's Hermits-- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees-- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr-- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack-- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem -- A White Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer-- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations-- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba-- Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando-- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy-- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson-- On the Throne Again

17. Leslie Gore-- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

Just Like Dad

Ten-year-old Bobby was having a conversation with his grandmother while eating breakfast:
Bobby:  Nanna, I'm a fat old man.
Grandma:  Bobby! What did you say?
Bobby:  I'm a fat old man.
Grandma:  Now, Bobby, why would you say something like that?
Bobby:  Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy.

You Know You're From The Far North When...

You know the four seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car

Driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow

You feel warm and toasty at minus 26

You find minus 40 a mite chilly

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

Your dog wears boots too

If you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset

There is a sign outside of McDonalds: "Park dog teams in back"

If the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school

You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

Today’s Thoughts

-          If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

-          Anybody who's busy pulling on the oars doesn't have time to rock the boat.

-          Ban sliced cheese. Make America grate again.

-          It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

-          If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must really love their churches.