Friday's Funnies

St. Patrick’s Day

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?

A: St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?

A: Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?

A: The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?

A: Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."

"Oh, really?"

"No, O'Reilly!"

Seenagers

I just discovered my age group! I am a "Seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.

·         I don't have to go to school or work

·         I get an allowance every month.

·         I have my own pad.

·         I don't have a curfew.

·         I have a driver's license and my own car.

·         And I don't have acne.

More Notes Found On Hospital Charts

-          She is numb from her toes down.

-          While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. {This probably was not far from the truth!! Those gowns are probably put under the classification of 'x-rated!!!!}

-          Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

-          Patient was alert and unresponsive.

-          She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

-          I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

-          Skin: somewhat pale but present.

-          Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

-          Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Friends

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time. Actually, they were real people. I just imagined they were my friends.

Brakes

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls...

John: "What happened this time?"

Jill: "My brakes went out.  Can you come get me?"

John: "Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me."

Please Be Quiet

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.

With a kiss

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"  "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.  "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."  With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.  The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Today’s Thought

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV to one of nine channels.