So Busy
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.
Positively Negative
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Super Bowl Postscript
My mother hates sports, so after being forced to go to a football game with her grandchildren, this was her conclusion: Football consists of twenty-two men on the field desperately in need of a rest and 40,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst."
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.
Positively Negative
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Super Bowl Postscript
My mother hates sports, so after being forced to go to a football game with her grandchildren, this was her conclusion: Football consists of twenty-two men on the field desperately in need of a rest and 40,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Building
Plans
Recently,
when a hospital panel, made up of doctors, was asked to vote on adding a new
wing to their hospital, this is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst."
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And so… the
new wing didn't fly!
Done With
Class
Even though
I'm well into my 30s, I still stop by my parents’ house to mow their lawn. One
afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. Then he
asked me, "Why are you still doing your folks' yard?" "Because I
once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a straight
face. I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat
-
Cat door
retro-fitted with garage door opener.
-
Confused
guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
-
Fifteen
month gestation period, and still no kittens.
-
No longer
cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
-
Catfood dish
replaced with a trough.
-
Luxurious,
shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
-
It's no
longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
-
She only
catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
-
Has more
chins than lives.
Golf Shot
It was a
sunny Saturday morning and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing
his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would
the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly
impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on
the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would
the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second
shot!"
Top Ten
Signs You Are In For A Long Service
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the
pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man
to have a few (dozen!) extra CDs on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the
pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in
his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it
on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
And The
Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in
time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only September!
Today’s
Thought
Thank the
Lord for Facebook. Otherwise I'd have to call 674 people every day to tell them
I just went to the gym.
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