Friday's Funnies

Leftovers

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

Weighing In

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.  One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.  Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!" 

How to describe someone who's...uh...you know...

~ Lights are on, nobody's home.

~ A few clowns short of a circus.

~ A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

~ Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

~ Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

~ The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

~ One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

~ One taco short of a combination plate.

~ Fell out of the family tree

~ A few feathers short of a whole duck.

~ The cheese slid off his cracker.

~ Body by Fisher; brains by Mattel.

~ An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

~ As smart as bait.

~ Chimney's clogged.

~ Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

~ His sewing machine's out of thread.

~ Slinky's kinked.

~ Surfing in Nebraska.

~ Too much yardage between the goal posts.

~ Big like ox; smart like tractor.

~ A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

~ Shirt size: large. Cap size: small.

~ Room temperature IQ.

~ A few box cars short of a full trainload.

~ Missing a hard-drive.

~ Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

~ Not the brightest crayon in the box.

~ A few Pinata's short of a fiesta.

~ Not firing on all thrusters.

~ Two cards short of a full deck.

~ Three dots short of an ink-blot test.

Dad's Money

A kid has been using a lot of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?"

"Yeah," says the kid.

"Well, it doesn't," says the dad.

"So what is money made out of, Dad?"

"Paper," the dad says.

"And what is paper made out of?"

Signs

•             Stealing someone's coffee is called mugging.

•             Pasteurize: too far to see.

•             The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

•             No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

•             Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.

•             Whoever invented "knock-knock" jokes should get a "no-bell" prize.

•             I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.

No Pets Allowed

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."  The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."  The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.  The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."  The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."  The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"  The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."  The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."  The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."  The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."  The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"  The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??

Leftovers

The minister's wife was a wonder at conserving food and rarely had to throw away a bit of it. At one meal she gave her pastor husband nothing but leftovers that the parson viewed with great disdain. He began to pick at the food, causing his wife to say, "Dear, you forgot the blessing." "Listen, sweetheart, if you can show me one item that hasn't been blessed at least two times, I can't see what another prayer can do for it."

Today’s Thought

If you think time heals everything, try sitting in a doctor's waiting room.