Wise Advice Confirmed
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "To tell you the truth; it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
Following Orders
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Secret Of Success
The department manager is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during an interview in his office he was asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?" He said, "Two words." "And, sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." He responded. "And, sir, what is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get experience?" "Two words." "And, sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions."
Tourist Questions
Tourists ask a lot of questions as we travel between the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, "Does the water go all the way around the island?" Another asked, "How much further until we're in the ocean?" But the one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"
A Way With Words
One evening I decided to try a new recipe. My eight-year-old budding diplomat was halfway through his meal when he looked up and announced, "Mom, your cooking is terrific...but this recipe is terrible!"
Practical Gift
My father, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants. Last fall, my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?" "Nothing," he replied. "But, Pa." she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year." "Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."
The Will
Morris is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons. "So," he says to them, "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses. Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza. Joe, I want you to take the offices over in City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Ma'am, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property." "Property?" she scoffs. "The joker had a paper route!"
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "To tell you the truth; it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
Following Orders
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Secret Of Success
The department manager is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during an interview in his office he was asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?" He said, "Two words." "And, sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." He responded. "And, sir, what is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get experience?" "Two words." "And, sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions."
Tourist Questions
Tourists ask a lot of questions as we travel between the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, "Does the water go all the way around the island?" Another asked, "How much further until we're in the ocean?" But the one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"
A Way With Words
One evening I decided to try a new recipe. My eight-year-old budding diplomat was halfway through his meal when he looked up and announced, "Mom, your cooking is terrific...but this recipe is terrible!"
Practical Gift
My father, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants. Last fall, my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?" "Nothing," he replied. "But, Pa." she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year." "Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."
The Will
Morris is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons. "So," he says to them, "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses. Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza. Joe, I want you to take the offices over in City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Ma'am, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property." "Property?" she scoffs. "The joker had a paper route!"
Rancher and Farmer
A Texas rancher was visiting an Iowa farm. The Iowa farmer
was very proud of his two hundred acres of rich, productive land. "Is this your whole farm?" the
Texan asked. "Why, back in Texas, I get in my car at five o'clock in the
morning, and I drive and drive all day. At dusk I am just reaching the end of
my ranch." The old Iowa farmer
thought a while and replied, "Yeah, I used to have a car like that
too."
Random thoughts as we age
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to
write that down, I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my
bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!
And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!
And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?
Today’s Thought
We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments.
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