Mother’s Day
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother
do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time
you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
white." The little girl was silent
for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been very, very
hard to raise."
Survival Tips From Mom
- If you are
lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.
- After a certain
age, if you say something outrageous, everyone will think it's cute. Take
advantage of this.
- Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be
in your attic and basement forever.
- If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the
evening news, don't do it.
- Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top
bunk.
- If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought
that you probably made someone else's day . . . maybe even their week. Think of your humiliation as an act of
charity.
- Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the
toilet when you're taking a shower.
- It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's
snowsuit will cause her to wet her pants.
There is no known cure for this.
- If you want to hide candy bars so you can eat them
after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled
"Fish."
Mother's Day Surprise
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "It's a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "It's a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
I swallowed a goldfish.
Your lipstick works better than crayons.
Does grape juice leave a stain?
Look, I painted the front door!
The principal called...
What's it cost to fix a window?
The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
Has anyone seen my earthworms?
How to Bake a Cake (A Mom's Experience)
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour.
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Re-measure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on
floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inches of salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.
Famous Moms
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you
have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you - quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you - quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Today’s Thought
If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one
pair of hands?
No comments:
Post a Comment