Friday's Funnies

One-liners

~ A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

~ A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

~ As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

~ Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?  Yeah, it cracked me up!

~ Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.

~ From my 8-year-old after our 5th week in a sermon study of Genesis: "When we get to Revelation, how old will I be?"

~ How come one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

~ I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

~ If I can say the word "sooth" does that make me a soothsayer?

~ My brain is so crowded with valuable information that I can't think anymore.

~ Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

~ Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this stuff before.

~ There is an old proverb that says just about anything you want it to.

~ There's an exception to every rule, except this one.

~ Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

~ Why do we call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? If we do that we might as well be consistent and say "chicken-bird" sandwich.

 

Revival Meeting

After the series of community multi-church revival meetings had concluded, the three churches' pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"

Cheap Aid

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.  "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.  "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."  "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.  The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.  "How does it work?" asked Morris.  "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

It's Wearing

Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy, am I ever tired." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night and three today and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?" "Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

Hereafter

The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am — in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement — I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"

Quiet Assistance

A man stopped to help a woman with a flat tire on her car. As he started to raise the jack, she said to him, "Please do it as quietly as you can. My husband is asleep in the back seat."

Johnny and the Cat

Johnny's mother looked out the door and saw Johnny reading the Bible to his cat. She thought to herself, "Isn't that sweet? I will not disturb him and will let him continue to play with the cat."  Sometime later, Mom heard an awful noise and looked out the door to see Johnny trying to force the cat into a bucket of water. She loudly said to Johnny, "Johnny, what are you trying to do with the cat?"  Johnny replied, "I am trying to baptize him!"  His mom said, "Cats don't like to be in water."  Johnny replied, "Well, then he shouldn't have joined my church."

Quotes

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Neighbors

 

A man appeared at the door and announced, "Ma'am, I'm the piano tuner."  "I didn't call for a tuner," the pianist said.  "I know, lady," the man said. "Your neighbor did."

Today’s Thought

 

My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals set in 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I promised to in 2012 and planned to do in 2011.