Friday's Funnies - Super Bowl Tribute

Church Football Terminology

 

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

 

BENCHWARMER - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.

 

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

 

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

 

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

 

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

 

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

 

HALFBACK OPTION - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

 

HALFTIME - The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.

 

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

 

INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

 

INSTANT REPLAY - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

 

PASS INTERFERENCE:  A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

 

QUARTERBACK SNEAK: How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.

 

STAYING IN THE POCKET - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

 

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than 25 minutes.

 

TACKLE: Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.

 

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

 

TRAP - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

 

TWO-MINUTE WARNING - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

 

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

 

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.  'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were

killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'  'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!'  I'm like... Helloooooo?  It's only 25 cents!!

 

New NFL Sponsors

 

The National Football League found themselves some new sponsors this year -- some individuals, others whole associations. These are the people and groups that have stepped up to the plate:

 

Edgar Allan Poe - Baltimore Ravens

 

Bureau of Engraving and Printing - Buffalo Bills

 

Travel Agents/Moving Companies - Green Bay Packers

 

Gunsmiths - Indianapolis Colts

 

Jack - New York Giants & Tennessee Titans

 

Clergy - New Orleans Saints

 

Paul Revere - New England Patriots

 

Airline Industry - New York Jets

 

Thieves - Pittsburg Steelers

 

Shopaholics - San Diego Chargers

 

Tanning Salon - Washington Redskins

 

Super Bowl

 

A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.  The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."  "Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"  The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral." 

 

Today’s Thought

 

Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport.  Dancing is a contact sport.

Friday's Funnies

Thanks a lot!

As we start 2015, I want to thank each one of you for your educational emails last year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.  The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent a few minutes polishing the apple and sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent a few minutes polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month and by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $6.40. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

These really work...I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables.

3. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be too afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

One liners

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"  "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

Today’s Thought

What do you need to start a new bakery business? A lot of dough.

Friday's Funnies

Lost Phone

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"  I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"  There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

Dentist's Award

What does the Dentist of the Year get?

A little plaque.

Ice Cream Flavors

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"  "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue.  "Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.  "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."

Men Quotes

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." (Henry Youngman)

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'" (Rita Rudner)

"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." (Jean Kerr)

Bad Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.  One day he arrives home looking downcast.  "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."  His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."  "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."  "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."  So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.  He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"  "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."  "Where did it go?" asks Arthur.  "I don't remember." 

Virtual Reality?

"In the room the curtains were drawn: the rest of the furniture was real."

Never Squat With Your Spurs On ~~ Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation. 

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

Senior Sentiments

• Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere in the first place.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play checkers?
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Today’s Thought

A friend told me she was taking up meditation. I said it was better than sitting around doing nothing.

 

Friday's Funnies

One-liners

~ A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

~ A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

~ As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

~ Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?  Yeah, it cracked me up!

~ Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.

~ From my 8-year-old after our 5th week in a sermon study of Genesis: "When we get to Revelation, how old will I be?"

~ How come one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

~ I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

~ If I can say the word "sooth" does that make me a soothsayer?

~ My brain is so crowded with valuable information that I can't think anymore.

~ Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

~ Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this stuff before.

~ There is an old proverb that says just about anything you want it to.

~ There's an exception to every rule, except this one.

~ Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

~ Why do we call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? If we do that we might as well be consistent and say "chicken-bird" sandwich.

 

Revival Meeting

After the series of community multi-church revival meetings had concluded, the three churches' pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"

Cheap Aid

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.  "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.  "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."  "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.  The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.  "How does it work?" asked Morris.  "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

It's Wearing

Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy, am I ever tired." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night and three today and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?" "Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

Hereafter

The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am — in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement — I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"

Quiet Assistance

A man stopped to help a woman with a flat tire on her car. As he started to raise the jack, she said to him, "Please do it as quietly as you can. My husband is asleep in the back seat."

Johnny and the Cat

Johnny's mother looked out the door and saw Johnny reading the Bible to his cat. She thought to herself, "Isn't that sweet? I will not disturb him and will let him continue to play with the cat."  Sometime later, Mom heard an awful noise and looked out the door to see Johnny trying to force the cat into a bucket of water. She loudly said to Johnny, "Johnny, what are you trying to do with the cat?"  Johnny replied, "I am trying to baptize him!"  His mom said, "Cats don't like to be in water."  Johnny replied, "Well, then he shouldn't have joined my church."

Quotes

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Neighbors

 

A man appeared at the door and announced, "Ma'am, I'm the piano tuner."  "I didn't call for a tuner," the pianist said.  "I know, lady," the man said. "Your neighbor did."

Today’s Thought

 

My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals set in 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I promised to in 2012 and planned to do in 2011.

Friday's Funnies

Difficult-to-Keep New Year's Resolutions

 

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, Ha or ROTFL!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I "really" need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I'm not in them.

I will think of a password other than "password."

 

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

 

2011: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2012: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2013: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2014: I will work out 3 days a week.

2015: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

 

New Year's Eve

 

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I'll remember 2014 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself -- this year I'm making a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2015.

My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's Resolutions -- that way I succeed at something!

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2015 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

 

Counting

 

There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

 

Rules that don’t make sense

 

Some FAA rules don’t make sense.  Like the fact that when planes are at 39,000 feet going 400 miles an hour, in a plane that could hit turbulence at any minute, (flight attendants) can walk around and serve hot coffee and Chateaubriand. But when planes are on the ground on a flat piece of asphalt going five to ten miles an hour, they’ve got to be buckled in like they’re at NASCAR.—Jack Stephan, US Airways captain

Calories

Calories (noun): Tiny creatures that live inside your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

Today’s Thought

 

No matter how busy people are, they are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are.