Friday's Funnies

Halloween Q & A

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A. Napoleon bone-apart.

 

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

A. The Vampire State Building.

 

Q. What do Italian's eat on Halloween?

A. Fettuccine Afraid-o.

 

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

A. Ghoul-aid!!!

 

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: He had no guts.

 

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A. A sand-witch.

 

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

A. He didn't have a haunting license.

 

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

A. He had no body to dance with.

 

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?

A. Over the ghoul line.

 

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?

A. He heard it had great circulation.

 

Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?

A. Whipped scream.

 

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?

A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

 

Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?

A. Dead ends.

 

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving.

 

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

A. Mas-scare-a.

 

Old Friends

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." 

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.  

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.  

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.  

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are, "Gentlemen, start your engines. "

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.  

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.  

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.  

15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.  

Wrong
First guy:  "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask." Second guy:  "What kind of question?" First guy:  "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly." Second guy:  "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'" First guy:  "Yeah, that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Making Music
My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Amen
A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?" The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son — how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two." The father said, "Why did you stop?" The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

Today’s Thought

 

You know you're getting old when you come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

 

Friday's Funnies

Counting

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."  "Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy.  "Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy.  "Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.  "A jack!" replied Andy.

Goal!

A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

Wrong Wording

 

First guy: "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask."

Second guy: "What kind of question?"

First guy: "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly."

Second guy: "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

First guy: "Yeah, that's what I meant to say.  But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

 

Counting

 

A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?"  The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son -- how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two."  The father said, "Why did you stop?"  The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

 

French Police

 

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.  The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.  Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.  The Englishman answers with humor: "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"

  

Medical Condition

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true??" she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

 

Blond Joke

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.  The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.   She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?' she finally asked.  The policewoman replied, ‘It's square and it has your picture on it.’  The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.  The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,' Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.’

 

You have lost something

 

A wife called her husband as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and the husband could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me.  And now I can't find it!"  The husband replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

 

Laws still on the books

 

Connecticut:
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Illinois:
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Iowa:
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

West Virginia:
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Oklahoma:
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Calorie burning

 

I just burned 1,200 calories.  I forgot the pizza in the oven.

 

Today’s Thought

 

People who are wrong can be hard to correct. People who are right can be hard to live with.

Friday's Funnies

Savings

 

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for way back in 2000." "You mean a brand-new Mercedes?" she asked eagerly.   "No," he replies, "a 2000 Mercedes."

 

Organist

 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."  During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."  At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."  And that is how the substitute became the regular.

 

Smarty pants

 

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."  A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

 

Waiter

 

The waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying on the plate.  "Are you crazy?"  complained the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"  “What?"  answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

Four Little Words

 

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch.  The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"  "He said, 'Will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.  Heather replied, "No, he said, 'Put your money away.'"

 

The Unluckiest Man Alive

Four blokes were sitting in a pub drinking.  As time went on, the face of one got longer and longer.  "What's the matter, Fred?"  "I guess I'm the unluckiest man alive!"  "Why so, Fred?"  "Well, you know I went to that funeral last week."  The other three nodded. "But he was in his nineties!"  "I know." He paused as his face got longer. "It's just that I caught the wreath!"

 

GRANDPARENTS - as defined by children

 

~ Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

~ A grandfather is a man grandmother.

~ Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

~ They don't say, "Hurry up."

~ Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

~ They wear glasses and funny underwear.

~ Grandparents don't have to be smart.

~ Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with us.

~ They know we should have snack-time before bedtime.

~ They kiss us even when we've acted bad.

 

That’s Gross

 

Customer: "What's the luncheon special today?"

Waiter: "Beef tongue with onions."

Customer: "Oh, yuck!! I could never eat anything that was in a cow's mouth!!"

Waiter: "Very well. What will you have?"

Customer: "Gimme a couple fried eggs."

 

Mom's Clarinet

 

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.  "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."  "How come?" I asked.  "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

Winter Morning

 

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."

 

Pay back

 

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.  "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

Weird Dream

 

A man went to his doctor complaining about having weird dreams. "Doc, I keep having these bad dreams. One night I'm a wigwam, the next I'm a teepee, wigwam, teepee every night. Am I going crazy?"

The doctor replied, "No, you'll be just fine. You're just too tense."

 

Today’s Though

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this stuff before.

 

Friday's Funnies

Pastor Appreciation Month

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he replied.

What A Show

Teacher:  There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.
Pupil:  What channel is it on?

Rules Are Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

I Miss Chicago

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida, the other day, and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."  So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

You Know You’re No Longer A Kid When…

 ~ Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.

~ Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

~ The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

~ Being bad is no longer cool.

~ You have friends who have kids.

~ Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

~ You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's play land.

~ Your parents' jokes are now funny.

~ You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

~ Naps are good.

~ Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

~ When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

~ The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

~ You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

~ Your idea of fun parties now include chips 'n' salsa and Snapple.

~ You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

~ You WANT clothes for Christmas.

~ You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.

~ You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

Surgery

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.  "What's the matter?" he was asked.  He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"  "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"  "She wasn't talking to me.  She was talking to my surgeon!"

 Genesis

A father was reading the Bible to his little girl before bedtime one night. He was on the first chapter of Genesis. "In the beginning, the world was without form and void," the father read. "And God said, 'Let there be light.' ...And God separated the light from the dark." "I know what happens next!" the little girl exclaimed excitedly. "What happens next?" asked the father, smiling. The girl replied, "God did two loads of laundry."

Trivia

1. Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

2. Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

3. And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?

Today's Thought

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Friday's Funnies

Getting Older

Old Guy:  "Doc, I got aches and pains all over! Can you fix me?"
Doctor:  "You're in excellent shape for 90!  I'm not a magician — I can't make you any younger."
Old Guy:  "Who asked you to make me younger? Just make sure I get older!"

The Spoiler

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He signals to the usher and says, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip." So, the usher moves him to the center of the third row, and the man, after a high five, hands the usher a quarter. Yep. A mere 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, smiles, leans over, and quietly whispers, "The wife did it."

Media Bias

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

The City That Never Sleeps

Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my eleven-year-old daughter. She thought about that for just a moment before concluding, "That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every corner."

The Ultimatum

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you — sync or swim."

Okay!

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a "high-five."

Wise Words

You wouldn't be worried about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they actually do.

'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?

 

These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii."  So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"  The gentleman said, "Havaii."  So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you."  The gentleman replied, You're velcome."

 

Isn’t It True?

 

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.  "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?"  The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.  Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, "Please answer the question."  "Oh," said the startled

witness, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

Expenses

 

My brother was recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it. He was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.  "If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."  He smiled. "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

 

They Live Among Us

 

Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key, which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."  "No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in."  So Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"  "No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."  "Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

 

Ticket

 

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.  The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"  I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."  He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

 

Today’s Thought

 

How come one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?