Happy 4th of July!
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. That’s how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.
What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!
How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!
Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independence
signed?"
Student: "On the bottom!"
What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
Books never written:
"The Star-Spangled Banner" by Jose Kanusee
"American Victories" by Norman D. Beech
"Coming to America" by Anita Greencard
"The Parts of the National Anthem" by Homer D. Brave
"How to Become President" by Paul O'Ticks
What do you call an American drawing?
A Yankee doodle!
Teacher: Johnny, what are the last words of "The Star-Spangled Banner"?
Johnny: "Play ball"?
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!
What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.
Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklin!
What is the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.
"The Star-Spangled Banner" by Jose Kanusee
"American Victories" by Norman D. Beech
"Coming to America" by Anita Greencard
"The Parts of the National Anthem" by Homer D. Brave
"How to Become President" by Paul O'Ticks
What do you call an American drawing?
A Yankee doodle!
Teacher: Johnny, what are the last words of "The Star-Spangled Banner"?
Johnny: "Play ball"?
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!
What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.
Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklin!
What is the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.
Pizza Delivery
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a
University of South Carolina student delivered his pizza. "Well," the
student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that
if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great." "That so?" grunted the man.
"In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college
fund." "By the way, what are
you studying?" "Applied
psychology."
Delayed Flight
A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
Divine Assistance
Two men were stranded on an island. One man just sat down under a tree and did nothing. The other man looked all over the island. When he came back, he said, "There is nothing here -- no food, no shelter, no nothing. We're going to die." The first man said, "I make $10,000 a week," and continued to sit. The other man again looked all over the island and came back dejected. "We're going to die," he said. The first one again replied, "I make $10,000 per week." And he sat. The other man took one more look all over, returned, and said, "There's no way we will ever get off this island. We're going to die." Once again the first man replied, "I make $10,000 per week, and I tithe. My pastor will find me."
Doctor's Orders
A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
Divine Assistance
Two men were stranded on an island. One man just sat down under a tree and did nothing. The other man looked all over the island. When he came back, he said, "There is nothing here -- no food, no shelter, no nothing. We're going to die." The first man said, "I make $10,000 a week," and continued to sit. The other man again looked all over the island and came back dejected. "We're going to die," he said. The first one again replied, "I make $10,000 per week." And he sat. The other man took one more look all over, returned, and said, "There's no way we will ever get off this island. We're going to die." Once again the first man replied, "I make $10,000 per week, and I tithe. My pastor will find me."
Doctor's Orders
A guy walks into a bar, approaches the barman, and asks, "Could I
have a pint of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the barman
replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before.
Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy.
"The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I
should drink less."
Bigger Piece
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were
first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now
you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me
anymore." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband,
"you just cook better now."
Stranded
A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian
Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he
was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. The reply came
back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
Today’s Thought
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
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