Friday's Funnies

Distracted Driver

One afternoon, Karyn, my sister-in-law, was driving with her two little girls, Taylor and Tammy, in the back seat. After a few minutes of listening to them argue, Karyn yelled, "Knock it off, both of you!" Taylor, the eldest, asked, "How did you know what we were doing?" "Mommies have eyes in the back of their heads." Karyn replied. A few weeks later, the gang was again out driving, doing some errands. "Mommy," Taylor asked innocently, "do you still have eyes in the back of your head?" "Of course I do," Karyn responded. "Why do you ask?" "Well," she said, pointing to the object in her hands, "I thought maybe you could read us this book while you drive."

Actual Complaints to a Travel Agency

1. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

2. "The beach was too sandy."

3. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

4. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

5. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

6. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

7. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

8. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

9. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

10. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

11. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

12. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

13. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

14. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.

~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

~ What's this doing here?

~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

~ Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Arguments to Jesus' Ethnicity

My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:

1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.

2. He could make his own wine.

3. He wasn't afraid of water.

My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He had a beard.

2. He walked around barefoot or in sandals all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus, though NOT a woman, certainly could relate to women:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2. Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5. Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.’

Today’s Thought

If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them, it is like expecting a lion to not eat you because you don’t eat lion.