Friday's Funnies

Customer Satisfaction

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."  Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."  Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"  "Rain."

Wedding One-liners by the Famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)Wedding Toasts

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Tongue twisters

See if you can do this. Read it out loud, as fast as possible without mistakes.

[It's supposedly Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twisters--yeah, right]

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is loser cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word, in each line from the start.

Seen this?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 50 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?”  “What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?”

Cure for lateness

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.  After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.  So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.  “Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!”  “That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

Groaners

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they’d like to, but didn’t want to make spectacles of themselves.

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat? The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.