Lumber order
Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck
into a lumberyard? One of them walked in the office and said, “We need
some four-by-twos.” “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” the clerk
said. “Let me go check,” replied the man, and he went back to the
truck. “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours,” he said, returning a few moments
later. “Alright. How long do you need them?” The customer paused
for a minute to think and then finally said, “I’d better go check.” After
a while he returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re building a
house.”
A few more Puns
I tried to catch some fog.
I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur
with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney
bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but
then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism
class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New
York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in
home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh
deer!
Earthquake in Washington,
obviously government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist.
He has fillings, too…
Did you hear the one about the bank where the employees went on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks? While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open. They told her that they had two windows open. After a pause, the caller inquired, "Can't I just come through the front door?"
Unusual Headlines
"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant" (See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
"War Dims Hope for Peace" (I can see where it might have that effect!)
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors" (Boy, are they tall!)
Letter of Resignation
Asked why she was leaving her position, a
secretary explained in her letter of resignation: "Dear Boss, My reason
for leaving will soon be apparent. And so will I. (Signed) Mary"
Experience Pays Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.
School Excuses
The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:
- "Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday
because he had the fuel."
- "Please accuse Michael from being absent on
January 30 because he was aleing."
- "George was absent yesterday because of a sore
trout."
- "Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was
sick and I had her shot."
- "Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth
taken off his face."
- "My son is under doctor's care and should not take
fisical education. Please execute him."
- "Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had
very loose vowels."
Smart lady
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
pastor she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
pastor exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Duh
A man was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of
people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and asked,
"What's happening?" The runner
replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the city zoo." "Oh no! Which way is it heading?" "Well, you don't think we're chasing it,
do you?"
New driver
Junior had just received his brand new driver's license. The
family troops out the driveway where he is going to take them for a ride for
the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery
after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how
to drive," says the beamish boy to the 'ole man.. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit
here and kick the back of yer seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to
me all these years."
Today’s thought
Seen on the back of a septic company truck: "A flush
beats a full house."
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