Friday's Funnies

A Child's Prayer

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Business Signs

Bakery:  "It's nice to be kneaded."

Car Dealership:  "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Computer Store:  "Out for a quick byte."

Operating Room Entrance:  "May I Cut In?"

Photographer's Studio:  "Out to Lunch: If not back by five, out for Dinner also."

Podiatrist's Office:  "Time wounds all heels."

Proctologist's Door:  "To expedite your visit, please back in."

Propane Filling Station:  "Tank heaven for little grills."

Sanitarium Door:  "Nobody leaves here mad."

Store Window:  "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Undertaker's Window:  "Drive carefully. We can wait."

Waterbed Shop:  "Your vinyl resting place."

Deal

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar."  All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get FOUR for a dollar!"  Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.  The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"  "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Golf

Ted was struggling with his golf game so he enlisted the help of Bob, the club pro.  After observing Ted's game through nine holes, Bob said, "I think I know your primary problem."  Ted was eager for some answers: "What is it?" he asked.  Bob replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you hit it."

Soak your feet

A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet.  “It’s all those years of standing,” his doctor declared. “You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you’ll feel better.”  When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.  “How much for two buckets of that seawater?” he asked the lifeguard.  “A dollar a bucket,” the fellow replied with a straight face.  The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, “Help yourself.”  The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out.  “Wow,” he said, turning to the lifeguard. “Some business you got here!”

More Puns

I changed my i Pod’s name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

Details

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."  Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."  The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."