Friday's Funnies

Which is it?

When something is "new and improved," which is it?  If it's new, then there wasn't anything before it.  If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.  Make up your mind.

Vintage Classified Adverts

Youngsters aren’t the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classified ads placed by actual senior citizens:

Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Mom's Turn

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school. A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school. "Cartwheels," Gregory answered.

Practical Praying

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen." One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart. But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer, my food is still too hot!"

The Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"

Windows vs. Ford

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day. 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. 

New hat

My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. “I’m worried that he doesn’t have enough money, and he’ll be very embarrassed,” she said.  So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife’s grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15.  After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, “What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.”

Acronyms

The latest term being used by our IT office is PICNIC:  "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

Today's thought

The only difference between the difficult and the impossible is that the impossible takes a bit longer.