Friday's Funnies

Unusual Headlines

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors" (Boy, are they tall!)

Firehouse training session

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.  The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.  Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit:  “You got the right place.”

How does this work?

Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time. He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn’t sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over. “Excuse me,” Bob said. “How does this work?” The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle. “And where does the money come out?” Bob asked. The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. “The ATM is over there.”

Job Applicant Stories

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

~ Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

~ Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

~ Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

~ She wore an iPod and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

~ Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

~ Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

~ Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

~ During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

~ He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder can and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

Apartment application

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked. “We’re a military family,” the wife answered. “Children?” “Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly. “Animals?” “Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

More! Out Of The Mouths Of Babes!

The Sunday school teacher asked a little boy: "How old are you?" The little chap said, "Seven. And how old are you?" She replied, "I'm 70." Amazed the little darling said, "Whoa, you're almost dead!" 

My young daughter had received a pretend doctor's bag as a birthday gift. Wearing her plastic stethoscope around her neck one day she said, "Daddy, let's play doctor. I'll be the doctor; You be the one who waits."

Little David noticed a dead fly on the window sill. Calling over his mommy he asked her, "What's wrong with the fly? Is it broken?" She said, "No, dear, the fly is dead." Without hesitation David replied, "Oh. It needs new batteries."

As a tyke, my grandpa was carrying me through the doors of the church sanctuary and my sweet "little" voice was heard by all telling them, "And now I have to keep my big mouth shut!"

My two young daughters were playing one day when I heard the older one tell the younger one, "When we get to heaven we get a new body." After a short pause, "and a new head too."

Inside information

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes." "And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely." "And a goat?" "Sure." "A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"

Good one Dad

When I was little, my dad had me convinced the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played, Dad, well played.

Today’s thought

All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.