Friday's Funnies

Senior moment:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well, shoot... so that's why no one was at church today".

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Only a Mom would know . . . One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 21/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it wasone of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in theevening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was justwater. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup oftea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sureenough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and shewatches him drink it up. Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she canreach to get water is the toilet?

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back, which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over--- so now we're going to Sea World."

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WOULD YOU REMARRY??

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the
proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: silence

HUSBAND: "Whoops!"