Friday's Funnies

New Year's Goals

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
New Year's Day Prayer

"Dear Lord, So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen."

Top Five New Year Resolutions
· I resolve to work with neglected children (my own).
· When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
· I will balance my checkbook (on my nose).
· I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
· I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up

New Year's Resolution History (#1)
· 2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
· 2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
· 2007: I will read 5 books a year.
· 2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
· 2009: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

New Year's Resolution History (#2)
· 2005: I will get my weight down below 170.
· 2006: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
· 2007: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
· 2008: I will work out once a week.
· 2009: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

New Year's Resolution History (#3)
· 2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
· 2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
· 2007: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
· 2008: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
· 2009: I will try to be out of the country by next year.


After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

+++++

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.

Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed.
He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.

Happy New Ears Day!